It’s Wednesday, and I am still here.
My day off wasn’t so bad. It really felt like the day started on Monday night, when I picked a sobbing, bitter fight with my dad over the phone, begging him not to give away any of my mom’s things until I could go through them. He has been very adamant about getting her things out of his room, and if he had his way, out of our house. He agreed to keep them for me for a while. My dad and I are on very different time tables with our grief, and this is hard for me, because for so long we were in the same phase of stubbornly refusing to move forward.
Now, he is embracing moving on with his life, and I am still stuck in place. He says I have it easy, because I don’t have to be surrounded by reminders every day like he is. I feel despite this, I am reminded every day anyway.
My brother made a dentist appointment for the day and hour of my mom’s death anniversary, so that tells me he was not dreading yesterday as much as I was. I invited him over to our apartment last night, thinking he may want some company, but he canceled yesterday morning after remembering said appointment.
I think I might need some help moving forward. I’ve said that before, but it seems even more evident now.
Yesterday started out rough, since I was pretty much going back and forth drastically in mood swings. I cried first thing in the morning, but then enthusiastically helped Brandon make breakfast. An hour later, I instigated one of THE worst fights Brandon and I have ever had, culminating in me driving him unwillingly to the human resources department of the OSU Medical Center to force him to check up on his job applications there. Fortunately for both of us, I was unable to locate that office, so I calmed down considerably and we went shopping for three hours instead.
We went to Fresh Market to get groceries, but we really couldn’t afford anything there, so we went to Walmart (I know, I know). We bought ingredients to make seafood alfredo, which Brandon made once we got home. It smelled horrific, but it tasted good. Brandon also sold his old TV yesterday for $65 on Craigslist, which was sooner than I expected the old clunker to leave our kitchen floor.
After dinner, we watched "The Empire Strikes Back" on our shiny new TV, and I made a collage to match the fabric I bought to upholster the couch that I haven’t come anywhere near starting yet:
Don’t look too closely at it; you can see Brandon’s reflection as he took the picture.
At 5:20, we watched the rebels fight the imperial army in the Battle of Hoth, and my mom had been gone for exactly a year. It wasn’t so bad. Last year at that time had been much worse, anyway.
It’s been a strange year, folks. I’m ready for 2009, and for the holidays to be over, even though they have yet to begin. Now that it is Nov. 12, mayhaps this blog will get a little more cheerful? We’ll see.