Now you learn the hard way

I’m not feeling great lately. While I am glad I have a place to live (thank you family!) I am also realizing that, now that it’s been more than two months since I moved back to the apartment to live on my own and start a whole new life by myself, I’m really seeing that things haven’t quite gone the way I’d hoped. I was so optimistic but not much has changed, and now here I am, moving back in to the safe realm that is my family. There’s some things, a numbered list almost, that I’d hoped might have gone down by now that are nowhere in sight. Then I beat myself up for not trying hard enough, for not saving enough money, for not doing everything I possibly could have. For wasting time watching TV. For not working out. For not pushing myself harder. There’s a lot of guilt there, a lot of putting myself down. I have to work on that.

And even with all this, there are things I think about doing that could be mistakes, but I just don’t know it yet. Am I willing to take risks if it could lead to a happier life? How far am I willing to go? I know I am being cryptic, and I don’t mean to be. If you are worried, don’t be, but if you still are, call me and I will reassure you. I wish I was mistake-proof, and I could do whatever and just know that it will all work out for the best and lead to something better. Even if it’s a blessing in disguise. Maybe that’s how life really is, and we don’t know it. But that faint possibility doesn’t make the risk taking part any easier.

“Someday, you might listen to what people have to say. Now you learn the hard way.”

This line has been in my head all week. It all comes back to the risks– and if they’re worth it. We can just sit on our asses and complain or we can actually do something about it, even if it’s scary. And just trust. Trust our own judgment, our choices, our instincts, ourselves.

Easier said than done, right?

I’m trying to be more honest with everyone in my life, especially myself. If I’m just deceiving myself with all this stuff in my mind, I better fess up ASAP. Sigh… At least it’s easier to be truthful here and I hope you are appreciating how hard it is for me to hit “Publish” on entries like this. But I really think these are the ones that count. More than the disgusting Green Monster pictures, the weightloss updates, the random photos and videos. This is me, putting it out there, even if it feels ridiculous sometimes. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t/couldn’t write.

Heading home tomorrow to take some furniture to my dad’s. Hope I won’t need that coffee table or those end tables in the next several weeks. On that note, is anyone interested in adopting two adorable soon-to-be-homeless pet mice?