The difference a year can make

On the first night of my NYC trip I got some surprising news; Brandon proposed to his girlfriend, and she said yes. He sent me a text letting me know, which was a nice gesture except it sounds like he texted the majority of his phone’s contacts around the same time.

The person I spent five years with is marrying someone who isn’t me. Obviously I knew this would happen some day, but I have to admit I was a little shocked to realize it would be now. We broke up in February and now he is engaged. While the old me may have indignantly shrugged off anyone’s attempts to ask my feelings on this, the new me is not too proud to admit I am a little upset. I’ve had a lot of good conversations with friends and family about this and, while they may just be humoring me, they agree I have at least a little room to be feeling not great about all this.

Before you say anything, let me explain: It’s not that I am feeling regret or wondering if I made the right decision– I know I did, and really, he knows I did. I knew it the moment it was made, as horrible as I may have felt at the time. I have said before and stand by the belief that I want nothing but happiness for him, and I knew with everything I have that he would find it without me. We would be better off, even if it took a long time to believe.

Well, it turns out it took about six months for him to find just how better off he was. I didn’t want to marry him, but he found someone who wants nothing more. Trust me, this is a good thing. It’s just a shock, that’s all. I’ve never really had an ex-boyfriend get married before, and it’s a little jarring. Especially when, in this case, it’s someone who was a part of my life for so long.

I loved him; he’s the only person I ever loved. And I can’t tell you when I stopped loving him. All I know is that I did, and that it terrified me. It’s scary to think we can just wake up and not love someone anymore, especially if it happens before they’re done being in love with us. I loved him for the person he was, but I knew I didn’t feel the way about him I should have. The way my friends felt about their husbands and partners. I wanted it to come back so badly and it took me a long time to accept it simply wasn’t going to. I don’t want that to ever happen again, and I am hoping I am through the worst and the best is yet to come. Or some kind of cliche like that.

I wish him the best, and still believe he’d wish the same for me. I’ve been on my own for eight months now, which is the longest I’ve been single since I was 16. It was hard at first, but it got easier. And for the last several months I haven’t bothered looking because I knew I was on my way out the door. Who knows who’s in Chicago, but hopefully I’ll find someone for me there. And someday I hope I’ll know what I didn’t know then, and feel what I’m supposed to. Whatever that is. The timing of all this just really makes me feel stronger about this being the perfect time to get out of this city, this state. I don’t mean any offense to any of my friends or family; you have all really been there for me this year when I needed you. It just really feels like I’m due for a fresh start.

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3 thoughts on “The difference a year can make

  1. I wish I could give you a huge hug right about now. It’s totally normal to feel what you’re feeling about Brandon getting engaged. Even though I was engaged to Lin, it still felt really weird when my ex proposed to his girlfriend — and then when they got married a week before we did. Believe me when I say that you WILL find the right person.

    I don’t know if I told you about this before, but when I was struggling after my ex broke up with me for the second time, I watched this episode of Bones where Angela’s boyfriend gets murdered. He had proposed to her over and over again and she had always said no. At the end of the episode, she’s crying with Brennan and she wonders aloud if she’s missed her only chance for love. Will she get another one? This is what Brennan says to her:

    “You will, because nothing in this universe happens just once, nothing. Infinity goes in both directions. There is no unique event, no singular moment … It means you will get another chance … Yes, I promise from my heart, you will get another chance.”

    • Thanks, Lisa. Although I’ve never watched much of Bones I certainly appreciate the sentiment; I feel pretty weird this week but I know I’ll get past it. And I like the idea of a second chance. Thanks for hoping for me! I only hope I can be as lucky as you and Lin down the road!

  2. Pingback: And so it begins… | Ridiculously Epic…

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