Aaaand there’s a hole in my new eardrum

Last week I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon. He discovered that there is a tiny hole in the brand new, fancy eardrum he built for me out of my own ear cartilage.

But don’t worry, he’ll get to it during my next surgery this fall. Hopefully the same problems I’ve been having don’t repeat themselves in the mean time.

This surgery has been much more difficult to recover from than I could have imagined. And NOBODY TOLD ME it would be like this. My ear is still draining, so I still can’t wear my hearing aid. My hearing is significantly worse (and fluctuates, because of said draining and apparently now this new hole thing). My sense of taste is only just now completely returning, after my doctor casually mentioned weeks after that he’d cut the nerve that allows me to taste. That sure explained a few things, by the way.

My new hearing aids use up a battery every two or three days instead of two or three weeks, and this is an unplanned increase in an expense I wasn’t thrilled about to begin with.

I am swamped with hospital bills and it sounds like I’ll be seeing my ear doctor every three weeks for the foreseeable future. It’s stressful and frustrating and I thought I was done with all of this.

I will never be done with this.

I will never hear like a normal person and I will always be dependent on hearing aids, more than I ever was before. I will always need to have an ear specialist no matter where I go, no matter what I want to do in my life.

Some days it’s just too hard to not wallow in self-pity. I’d like to end this with some sentiment like, “It could be worse,” or “Other people have so many other horrible problems,” but my heart’s just not in it. I am pissed off and sometimes inconsolable. It’s not fair, and I am going to whine about it.

My second surgery will be sometime this fall, and I am already dreading it. I truly hope it will improve my hearing like my doctor expects, and my dad said he will come up for it. But it’s such a huge thing to think about and it’s already looming. Part of me just wishes I could get it over with, but I have to wait to see what happens to my ear in the mean time. And part of me is furious that I have to do it at all.

I chose the two-surgery option. I also don’t think I was given all the information, though. No one told me it would be this hard.

[Insert obligatory warm, fuzzy blog post ending here.]

5 thoughts on “Aaaand there’s a hole in my new eardrum

  1. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I wish I could have given you more information or knowledge from my end, had I had it. You are allowed to be angry and upset. You’re doing amazing dealing with all this new, complex, scary stuff and anyone who knows you is proud and impressed with the grace you’re showing through such a demanding experience. Lean on me whenever you need it, but remember that you are a CHAMP and I will always be happy to walk on your ever-changing good side or yell in your ear if need be 🙂

  2. I’m sorry to hear about the complications, but I’m glad that you pursued the surgery in the first place and put a priority on your health. Remember that not everyone would have done that. I also think your mood, whether frustrated/scared/angry is an okay place to be this moment. Let yourself feel and then plot your next move. The “it could be worse” is completely relative. The only one who can feel what you feel is you. The only one’s who been through it from the start is you.
    Love you and know you will come out on top!

  3. Thanks ladies. Just had to vent for a bit. One thing I’d like to add is that my doctor is awesome and I have every confidence in him. I think it’s just difficult for him to see how hard this has been on me because he looks at it from a purely medical standpoint. I don’t mean to sound like I am blaming him, he did a great job. It’s not really anyone’s fault that this has been so difficult.

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