I just took the least-expensive vacation I’ll ever have, and it was glorious. But that’s a post for another day. What I want to tell you about now is how poor I am and how weird my day-to-day life is in this moment.
Regular readers will know that recently my rent DOUBLED because my boyfriend and I broke up and we shared a one-bedroom I didn’t want to give up. I don’t have any money, you guys. I hear myself saying things to my girlfriends like, “Let’s not go out for drinks! I am pretty sure I have half a bottle of cotton candy-flavored vodka in my freezer.” It’s gone now, of course. I’ve also eaten all the chocolate that was in my apartment ever, including the baking chips. I feel like the cat is always judging me for most of my (at least slightly questionable) nutritional choices, which is ironic because, uhh, she eats kibble made from fish guts. On the plus side, I go to the gym with more regularity now, because they charge me $20 each month whether I set foot in there or not, soooo, bring on the flavored vodka.
It’s just me — me, and the cat. Kevin has been gone for weeks now, and I’m running out of excuses to myself for why I have yet to give him back his stuff and clear all this crap out of the dining room. That said, despite sharing a train stop, laundromat, grocery store, and general three-block radius, we don’t see each other that much. Maybe once every couple of weeks with friends for trivia. But even though our paths don’t cross, it’s still painful and confusing to remind myself we are no longer the same thing to each other that we used to be.
Also, I still talk to him at least a little bit everyday even though everyone I know has said that this is a bad idea.
Break-ups need air. Other than failing to resist sharing good/bad news with Kevin when applicable, I think I’ve been okay, for the most part, about setting boundaries in my life and giving myself the space I need to bounce back from this. But waiting to not hurt anymore is hard, and being alone is scary. I hate that that’s true.
I never wanted to get married until I wanted to marry Kevin. Maybe someday I’ll want to marry someone else, but right now that feels kind of impossible, and I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach like I’ve screwed things up horribly, somehow. But I was fine with not getting married for a really, really long time. I think I can be fine with it again.
Or maybe I’m full of it, who knows.
I could really use some good news, you guys. Or cheaper rent. That cat’s just not pulling her weight around here and fish-gut kibble ain’t free.