Open arms

Choosing directions.

Changing directions.

Good things are on the horizon; I can feel it. I’ve been a mess of a human being for weeks now, but something is going to change and it’s already starting. I feel more in control, despite elements of my life, like my career and my apartment, being presently very much out of my control. But I, as a person, am coming to grips with my life and my choices, and I am owning up to them at last.

We broke up two months ago, and I am finally just now letting myself be okay with being alone. There’s no big plan, no moving onto the next thing, no crush to text my banal thoughts to because I need validation and attention. I still need those things, most definitely, but I need to be okay with helping myself now. And I think I am finally allowing myself to do so.

I’ve been taking some time to think about the things I really need in a partner, and the things I’ve decided I am now too old smart and self-respecting to put up with at this point in my life. I’ve made lists in the past, and while some of those things hold true, some of them are no longer practical. Maybe a new list will be posted here soon, but in the mean time, I have a better idea now of what I am willing to open up to the possibility of. I am in control in that respect, at least. Everything else is just going to have to fall into place. And I can wait. I really can.

I will turn 28 this week. I have my own apartment, a lovely and supportive circle of friends, and a caring family. I have a temporary cat who likes being here with me. I have leftover take-out in my fridge and electricity running into my recently-purchased light bulbs. It could certainly be worse, and I honestly believe it’s about to get better. I believe I’m about to get a better job, and I believe I will get to keep this apartment or someday be okay with leaving it. I believe someday I am going to meet the right person, and I fully accept that it might not happen when I am 28 just because I want it to. I am comfortable with being selective and being honest with myself and knowing myself better than to just make the same mistakes over and over again.

I got this.

2014 has been a weird-ass year thus far, and I suspected it would be when I knew things were falling apart back in the fall. “Weird” isn’t the worst, and I can’t say it’s been boring. I am wrapping my brain around what normal life looks like now, and even though I hate to admit it, I’m getting accustomed to the new normal. This is how this goes down.

I hope 28 brings me wisdom, an even better sense of self, and that shiny new job. Fingers crossed.

One thought on “Open arms

  1. You made it through another Chicago winter and I predict this summer will be fun in a new way, maybe better than any other season so far in the city.

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