Making a place a home

A brighter discontent

A brighter discontent

I’ve decided to keep my apartment after all. This would have been a much easier decision to make if I’d either gotten hired a month or two sooner, or if my deadline to re-sign the lease was a month from now. Either way, I’d know what a full paycheck at the new job looks like, and be able to budget accordingly. Instead, I’ve made an educated guess, and low-balled considerably, and I think I can do this. I asked my landlord about going month-to-month, but he wouldn’t budge on that. I have to give him notice by April 1, and I don’t get my first full check until later in the month.

You guys, breaking up with someone you live with is just the worst. Never do it. And I’ve done it TWICE. Because I just don’t learn. The first time wasn’t so hard on me because the rent was cheap and I had a great-paying job but it was still just so awful. I broke up with him on a Thursday night and slunk out the door to my car, where I had left myself a packed suitcase. I drove off to my aunt’s as I’d guiltily planned without his knowledge, and I lived there with her and my uncle and cousins for two months before returning to the apartment after he moved out. The second time, the decision came to me quicker, but was executed much, much slower. We kept living together for two months after we knew we were going to break up, made the most of our finite time together, and then he left.

I’ve decided to never move in with a boyfriend again until, A) he makes it clear he intends to put a damn ring on it, and, B) I actually want him to do so.

I think I told myself in January that I’d have my life more figured out by the time I needed to make a housing decision. Little did I know that the job I was in the running for would remain a big question mark months later, and that I wouldn’t know how much my landlord would raise the rent until days before hearing I’d been hired.

I love this apartment. It’s too big for me, it’s too expensive, but I’ll never find a one-bedroom this cheap in this area. And I just don’t want to change neighborhoods or live with a roommate again. I only just set this apartment up to the way I’ve wanted: It’s finally mine, and it finally looks like it.

I had another crazy theme party for my birthday, and it was maybe the best one yet. I thought to myself that it was like one last hurrah in this place, but maybe it was just the start of me celebrating my independence and my ownership of my own life, and my choices.

This apartment was a mess, and yet starkly empty, after Kevin left. I resented it. I had no one over to visit almost all winter. But, now it’s my home. I wish I could go month-to-month here, but if I can’t, then he’s got me. I want to keep living here.

I think I can swing it, and I hope I’m right.

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