The Liz Lemon List, at Age 28

Also, if he could look like the Pie Maker from "Pushing Daisies" that would be great. But maybe with a beard?

Also, if he could look like the Pie Maker from “Pushing Daisies” that would be great. But maybe with a beard?

In the past I’ve updated versions of a list I once wrote, based on a speech from “30 Rock,” as made by one Liz Lemon. I’ve decided it’s time for a new version, because I made the last one when I was 25, and my God, do I feel like a different person now than who I was then.

At 28, I am tired of putting up with a lot of things. I’m less concerned with whether or not a guy likes pickles or Death Cab for Cutie, and more interested in whether or not he’s had the foresight to start a 401K. I am an old lady now, and I want old lady things.

Not all of these observations are referring to my most recent relationship, and most of them are either a composite of more than one person’s past actions, or are simply hypothetical. More than anything, these are about myself and the things I’ve come to realize I want and need, as well as the things I’ve decided I just will not put up with anymore because I have no time for such crap.

There is something about my personality that makes me seek out the gruffest, most curmudgeonly people I meet, and do everything in my power to win them over. My “type” of man is surly as hell, it turns out, and hates everyone but me. I’ve definitely dated guys that break this type, but the ones that fit it have long seemed so damn attractive to me for some reason.

You know what else is true about the surly guy? He hates hanging out with my friends or making polite conversation with new people at brunch or even GOING TO BRUNCH or doing anything that wasn’t strictly his idea. To hell with surly guys.

And so, a list:

  • I want someone who’s motivated and actively working toward some kind of self-improvement or self-fulfillment. I cannot sit here and hold one more guy’s hand while he complains about how he hates his job/apartment/other non-permanent factor without doing anything about any of it.
  • I want someone who likes me and likes lots of things about me and mentions to me those things a LOT. Contrary to what you might think, I will not tire of hearing how awesome a guy I like thinks I am. I just won’t. I need to hear it, and way more than once.
  • I will not stand for bad behavior toward my friends. A guy doesn’t have to love every single one of them but goddammit if he’s not going to be polite to them on the most basic human-to-human level.
  • I want someone who cares about other people and strives to make a difference in some small way, whether it’s donating time/money/pro bono graphic design skills/a kidney.
  • I am at the point in my life where if a guy doesn’t ever want to get married or if he hates kids, it’s a conversation that should probably happen sooner rather than later. (These were definitely not questions I was asking anyone, including myself, at 25, but this is info that matters now.)
  • Dude best not be allergic to cats at this point.

I think that’s what’s up for now. It’s strange how much can change in three years.