It’s been a while since I posted, and it’s not because nothing’s been happening. I’ve been doing well at my new job, where I like my co-workers, my boss, and the work I’m being given.
I keep telling people the only bad thing about it is the commute, but at least now I’m working 8-4 instead of 9-5 like I was the first three weeks there. Now I get home around 5, instead of well after 6:30. It’s a little hard to feel motivated to do much after work though, since these days I have to go to bed around 10 if I have any hope of getting close to eight hours of sleep. I’ve been a little more of a recluse in recent weeks than I’d like. I don’t even have winter as an excuse at this point. Not that I’ll complain about it no longer being winter.
Another thing that’s been going on is that I was seeing someone. In all honesty, I’ve quietly dated two people since Kevin and I broke up, and both relationships went pretty similarly: I rudely interrupted some poor guy’s life for a month and turned it upside down before getting scared and breaking things off pre-maturely. I am kind of a nightmare to date, when it comes down to it.
Both guys were a lot of great things: They were smart, funny, great-looking writers, and they were nice to me. They were ambitious and following their dreams. They had, to varying degrees, a dark streak that drew me in because, of course it did. That said, they were also very different people, but neither of them could pull me out of this circle of Hell I’ve carefully constructed for myself.
Things with the second guy fell apart this week, and I feel awful about it. I had a crush on him for a couple weeks before we went out, and there were about 10 days during which we were together and I was happy. Then, to my panic and horror, a switch flipped, and suddenly I found myself thinking again about Kevin, and missing him. For those 10 days, I really thought I was starting to move past him, but I was wrong. I was just distracted by a great guy I didn’t deserve.
I don’t know what happened, but I couldn’t get the feelings I had during that first week and a half to resurface. Instead, I ended things and hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. I am trapped by the feelings I still have for someone I can’t be with anymore. It’s been months, and I worry I will never not feel this way. Will I always have to worry it will all just rush right back, out of nowhere? What was different about those few short days when I was feeling okay with moving on and actually doing well?
Why couldn’t I keep that?
I just know that I need to stay away from guys right now. I’m hurting people other than myself, and no one else deserves to get taken down with me. I thought I was ready, and then I thought I was really ready, but I was wrong both times. I no longer trust myself. I’m still hung up on the past, and on the idea of a future with someone who never seriously considered a future with me.
I keep trying to make something happen to change how I feel, but what I really need is time. That, and some fun summer plans to look forward to. At least that’s something I can try to plan. There’s nothing I can do about the time frame and its unknown parameters.
I wish I could un-do a lot of what I’ve done so far this year. And I’m sorry.