The Aftermath

It’s been a while since I posted, and it’s not because nothing’s been happening. I’ve been doing well at my new job, where I like my co-workers, my boss, and the work I’m being given.

I keep telling people the only bad thing about it is the commute, but at least now I’m working 8-4 instead of 9-5 like I was the first three weeks there. Now I get home around 5, instead of well after 6:30. It’s a little hard to feel motivated to do much after work though, since these days I have to go to bed around 10 if I have any hope of getting close to eight hours of sleep. I’ve been a little more of a recluse in recent weeks than I’d like. I don’t even have winter as an excuse at this point. Not that I’ll complain about it no longer being winter.

Another thing that’s been going on is that I was seeing someone. In all honesty, I’ve quietly dated two people since Kevin and I broke up, and both relationships went pretty similarly: I rudely interrupted some poor guy’s life for a month and turned it upside down before getting scared and breaking things off pre-maturely. I am kind of a nightmare to date, when it comes down to it.

Both guys were a lot of great things: They were smart, funny, great-looking writers, and they were nice to me. They were ambitious and following their dreams. They had, to varying degrees, a dark streak that drew me in because, of course it did. That said, they were also very different people, but neither of them could pull me out of this circle of Hell I’ve carefully constructed for myself.

Things with the second guy fell apart this week, and I feel awful about it. I had a crush on him for a couple weeks before we went out, and there were about 10 days during which we were together and I was happy. Then, to my panic and horror, a switch flipped, and suddenly I found myself thinking again about Kevin, and missing him. For those 10 days, I really thought I was starting to move past him, but I was wrong. I was just distracted by a great guy I didn’t deserve.

I don’t know what happened, but I couldn’t get the feelings I had during that first week and a half to resurface. Instead, I ended things and hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. I am trapped by the feelings I still have for someone I can’t be with anymore. It’s been months, and I worry I will never not feel this way. Will I always have to worry it will all just rush right back, out of nowhere? What was different about those few short days when I was feeling okay with moving on and actually doing well?

Why couldn’t I keep that?

I just know that I need to stay away from guys right now. I’m hurting people other than myself, and no one else deserves to get taken down with me. I thought I was ready, and then I thought I was really ready, but I was wrong both times. I no longer trust myself. I’m still hung up on the past, and on the idea of a future with someone who never seriously considered a future with me.

I keep trying to make something happen to change how I feel, but what I really need is time. That, and some fun summer plans to look forward to. At least that’s something I can try to plan. There’s nothing I can do about the time frame and its unknown parameters.

I wish I could un-do a lot of what I’ve done so far this year. And I’m sorry.

Schedule changes

It occurred to me yesterday that I scheduled two scenes to be filmed on Easter, so that required a little schedule tweaking. Today I posted a facebook plea to my friends in or near Columbus, seeking extras for Saturday. Becca and I are going shopping tonight to find her a dress to wear that day.

I was going to post the schedule on here, but it is really long and not that interesting if you’re not in it. Plus, it’s getting changed a little bit every other day, so it would be obsolete by next week anyway. But, it’s now at last complete with the opening scene, and I still get at least a couple evenings a week off from the project.

I’m leaving work early tomorrow to drive to Zanesville to pick up the prizes I won in that raffle last weekend. Then I have to pick up some stuff for Saturday, and Brandon and I may be getting a craigslist couch delivered straight to the new apartment, since we are allowed to pick up the keys tomorrow. Also tomorrow night is Eileen’s going-away party, so I am looking forward to seeing the SNP crowd.

Living in the ghetto?

I was telling a woman in my department about the new apartment Brandon and I are moving to. I told her where it was, and I could tell she couldn’t picture it right away. Then I said it was just south of Hudson and she flipped out. “Oh NO, you’re not near Hudson, are you?” she gasped.

Hudson really doesn’t seem that bad to me, especially so close to High Street, so I’m not sure if she is legitimately terrified for my life or if she just hasn’t been near campus in a decade, when it really was scary. Or so I hear.

I decided not to tell her that I saw three homeless guys going through my neighbors’ garbage this morning. They are moving out of the other side of our duplex as well, to our landlord’s chagrin. They tossed out a bunch of stuff they didn’t want to move, and I saw a hobo trying on a blue backpack he fished out of their trash can as I got into my car.

Aside from the faceplate theft incident, which was really my fault, I haven’t felt unsafe in Columbus. Okay, there was that period when the serial rapist roamed, and I had nightmares about break-ins, but that was a long time ago. Or at least it feels like it was. Maybe I’m too naive to feel afraid, but as long as we keep our doors locked (and our car doors, too) I’m okay with that.

In other news, my shotgun mic showed up today, so that was fast. But now I need an extension cable for it, because its cable is really, really short. And I don’t want the mic to be too close to the camera or it will pick up those mechanical sounds.

Casting continues, terror mounts

Six guys are coming to read for three parts tonight at 7. Based on last week’s audition’s expected turn out vs. real turn out, this means three guys will be coming to read for three parts, and that’s fine with me. Over the weekend, I cast a woman in the part of Kendra, which was the role I was considering taking on myself, but I know she will be really good for the part. So instead, I am playing Cassie, the villain’s sweet, good-natured friend. Not as fun as playing a snarky lady, but it will be cool. Cassie has less screen time anyway, so it will probably be a less-hectic part for me.

Also this weekend, I ordered a relatively inexpensive shotgun mic. I called Brandon’s dad, who used to do some recording work on the side for fun, and he knew exactly what to recommend. He also found a good resource for me,, which has a lot of great information for first-time filmmakers. Now if only I could find a hockey stick, ala Kevin Smith, to duct tape the mic to in lieu of a boom mic pole.

I am meeting with my last actress on Wednesday, and I have her in mind for the final and most difficult role to cast– Bridget, the villain. Based on a good suggestion from my brother, I re-wrote the ending over the weekend involving her character, and I think it’s really going to work.

On the downside, it sure is a good thing my production schedule I drafted Saturday only has this thing running up until the end of April, because Brandon and I have to be moved out by May 31. We thought it was the first, but it turns out we have our last month there free. Today, we are signing a lease on an apartment just south of Clintonville, but we are signing for an April 1 lease. Not ideal, since we’ll be paying double rent that month (although not in May). But it’s a great place, and we have to act on it now if we want it. We toured it Saturday and loved it. We put in our deposit with our applications that day. It’s beautiful and has plenty of space, and it *even* has a bathroom within the unit and NOT across the hall. So, next month, we will be moving all the stuff I don’t want in any of the film’s shots, and once the movie is wrapped up, we are renting a U-Haul for the rest of it. This, of course, puts a pretty firm deadline on the completion of filming, since most of it takes place at the apartment, so I am keeping my fingers crossed for the next six weeks, no matter how cumbersome and painful that may get after a while.

I was looking at Studio 35’s web site yesterday to see what movies they have coming in soon, and I saw that you can actually rent the theater to screen your own movie if you want to. The price wasn’t listed, but I am definitely interested. That would be so awesome, inviting my friends and family and all the cast and crew to a premiere of the final product. A friend in Cincinnati works in the marketing field, and she offered early on to help me promote my movie when the time came. Obviously, that is a while from now, since production has yet to begin, but it’s a lot of fun to imagine.

Once all the parts are cast, I am going to have  everyone over to do a read-through before filming starts next Saturday, probably next Monday night.

I have been so busy with the movie and the casting process (the process that stretched longer than I’d imagined) that I keep forgetting my birthday is coming up. A co-worker found out about it, and she organized a lunch for our department to celebrate. Also, at our company, your birthday is a paid holiday, so even if I do end up having to work on it, I will get to take a different day off regardless, AND another day off, since I will be working 8 hours, what with driving time and the length of the event.

Expenses: shotgun mic, $52 (free shipping)

Weekend plans

Tonight after work I am meeting a guy from craigslist who is interested in buying my old camera. If he does, that would be pretty awesome, because I owe Brandon that much money from when I bought my NEW camera.

Then, Brandon, Eileen and I are driving to Marion to this restaurant Eileen knows about where you can get a giant steak dinner. You know, to celebrate the fact that I went to the gym twice this week. That’s not counter-productive at all.

Tomorrow I have two assemblies to cover for work, and at 1, I am meeting an actress about a part for the movie. I’m meeting another actress Wednesday, which is a long time from now, but I will survive.

Sunday, I have no plans. I’m pretty excited about that. Next weekend is my birthday, and if my boss takes pity on me and doesn’t make me cover an event the day of, I think I may take Brandon home for the weekend to see some people I haven’t seen since before the holidays. And if she does make me work, at least I’ll get paid like $160 in mileage to drive to Toledo. I can live with that.

I sent an e-mail out to the people I have cast, and I now have three men and three women cast in my film. Only three men and three women more to go, sigh… Casting sucks. On the plus side, I am almost done with the tentative shooting schedule, and it might not take 6-8 weeks to film 35 pages of a screenplay after all. My schedule is likely to run up until the last weekend in April at the latest. I’ll post that once it’s finished.